Tractorotica

Raising a geek

Wed, 23 Dec 2009 16:06:20 GMT

So, last night I was talking to my 10-year-old son and trying to persuade him not to develop an aversion to snow-related activities just because he spent 7 seven hours stuck in a traffic jam. I explained that it was all the fault of the Council, rather than the snow itself, at which he looked thoughtful for a moment and then said, "You know, Daddy, Reading Council are really just like the Bear Cult in the Mallorean," before wandering off.

I still have no idea what he meant, but I know I'm proud.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you all, in case I'm not online until 2010.

Disaster

Mon, 21 Sep 2009 20:16:03 GMT

You remember I had an inflatable canoe? Bought it last summer?

It sank yesterday. With me on it. It went down like the Titanic. No slow puncture and time to make port. No time to launch the lifeboats. A sudden split seam and a catastrophic descent to the bottom, no time for the band to even warm up.

I hope to God none of those unsympathetic wankers walking their dogs along the towpath had the presence of mind to video it.

That is all.

PS Stop checking YouTube, you bastards.

What I did on my holidays

Tue, 08 Sep 2009 10:41:55 GMT

It already seems like such a long time ago, but a wonderful time was had on Islay, despite the weather being so bad even the locals commented on it. In fact, rather charmingly, they kept apologising for it! Still, persistent rain and howling wind is such a fantastic excuse to repair to a distillery or pub with several hundred different malts behind the bar.

I may just possibly have overdone the haul I brought back with me, though. I'll throw myself on the mercy of the bank manager if I have to. For the record, I picked up bottles of the following: Bruichladdich 16yo Chateau Latour finish, Bruichladdich 16yo Fino finish, Bruichladdich Resurrection, Bruichladdich Peat, Octomore, Ardbeg Uigedail, Ardbeg Blasda, Bunnahabhain 12yo, Bunnahabhain 18yo, Bunnahabhain 16yo heavily peated Signatory bottling, Kilchoman new spirit, Bowmore 15yo sherry finish and Laphroaig 18yo.

I'll try and provide some photos, once I have censored them all to remove any risk you might be exposed to the sight of me in a wetsuit. *shudder*

Health and stuff

Sat, 01 Aug 2009 09:20:26 GMT

First off, endoscopies are really quite unpleasant, but nowhere near as bad as even thinking about removing aliens from brains by way of the nostril. Second, I'm OK! It's just a hiatus hernia coupled with a worsening of my food allergies* and high levels of stress, apparently. Which is a huge relief. I have new medicine and we'll see if that can manage the problem. Sadly, chillies, curries and coffee have now been added to the list of life's pleasures I am denied.

Still, it's not what I, and my bloody scare-mongering GP, thought it might be, so I'm as happy as a pig in his natural element.

* It is not gluten intolerance, Godammit. I will not give up Scotch. Bread, yes. Beer, if I have to, but not bloody Scotch.

The failed Iranian Revolution explained

Wed, 29 Jul 2009 10:41:25 GMT

Some of you may remember the wonderful True Christians Unite site, where one of my friends plied his trade as an octogenarian former military man with unreconstructed views on... well, pretty much everything. You may also have seen me post occasional updates on his latest work-avoiding project, the No Good Boyo blog. This is a rough approximation of his actual self, but is no less amusing and rather more erudite.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, here's his explanation, following a drinking session with a mutual Iranian friend, on the reasons for the failure of the Revolution, plus some rather more random thoughts on the future Socialist Revolution in Britain. Enjoy.

http://alfanalf.blogspot.com/2009/07/not-great-men.html

Wed, 24 Jun 2009 08:47:40 GMT

To my amazement, I have just received an invitation to the US ambassador's 4th July party. I have to wonder: with my reputation? What were they thinking?

Meme

Thu, 28 May 2009 13:01:57 GMT

This is from a random playlist rather than Shuffle, so I can maintain at least a modicum of self-respect.

The Members

Echo & the Bunnymen - X-Ray

The Beat

Borodin

The Specials - Ildrinn

Muse - squid

The The - X-Ray

ABC - The Corbie

Midnight Oil - Vestrit

Stereophonics - Silanah

Tears for Fears - X-Ray

The Selecter - X-Ray

The Libertines - Silanah

The Men They Coudn't Hang - Own Goal

Republica - Ildrinn

Secret Affair

Sisters of Mercy - Ildrinn

White Lies

Kate Bush in a chainmail bikini. Ah, my lost youth - X-Ray

The Jam - X-Ray

Apologies

Fri, 01 May 2009 12:58:50 GMT

Sadly, I'm going to be unable to see you all at the weekend for Anna and Joski's bash. Today is my first day back after a nasty bout of gasteroenteritis, so it's weekend of bland food, no alcohol and bedrest for me. Minus the bedrest, unfortunately, as my father-in-law has been taken in to hospital with with what they now suspect to be lung cancer and my wife is going to spend the weekend looking after her mother, so I'm babysitting.

Best wishes to them both, and I'll miss catching up with you all.

Empty that whisky shop for me, Xs. Though you might want to try the Vintage House in Soho if you can't face the trek south of the river.

http://www.sohowhisky.com/whisky.select.asp?catid=12

Thread killer

Mon, 30 Mar 2009 08:30:25 GMT

So, did I kill the Conservative MP thread, or did it degenerate further after I left? Shame, there was some amusing stuff on there. Still, if calling RhaegarTar an odious twat is wrong, I don't want to be right.

Tue, 03 Mar 2009 17:22:29 GMT

I've been desperately hoping for a stem cell thread on the board today, so that I could post this piece of awesomeness.

My favourite bit:

"But Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "I did not spend eight years at university just to adopt research methods that do not annoy the holy living shit out of the Jesus freaks. I got into this business to take science and rub it in their stupid, medieval, voodoo faces and I'm not about to give that up now.

"It always puzzled me why they got so annoyed given that the embryo in question had no brain or nervous system and how to the untrained eye it was impossible to tell if was a human or a sea horse. "Nevertheless they would open up their bibles and point to the bits about the sanctity of this and the holiness of that and I'd point to the bit about how it's forbidden to eat cormorants."

Bad LJ friend

Fri, 09 Jan 2009 17:01:19 GMT

Apparently it's been 15 weeks since my last post. Sorry about that. All has been well in the Hereward household, with the exception of the usual Xmas illnesses and a couple of spirited "how is that even possible" conversations when Amex bills have arrived.

I've been keeping up with the canoeing since I started it in the summer. In fact, I think I even prefer being on the river in the dead of winter, not a soul to see, but still plenty of what passes for wildlife in England. Seems to be doing me good, anyway, as I've put on weight in the right places and lost it in the wrong ones, at least I had until Xmas and a nasty bout of flu came along.

The kids thoroughly enjoyed Xmas, of course. I like that they haven't succumbed to materialism yet. Neither of the boys could really think of anything they wanted, other than some Gogo's Crazy Bones, which cost about £1.50, so they got a Scalextric set and Lego Star Wars, so at least their old Dad was entertained! Edith wanted a pink trampoline and has been in perpetual motion ever since. She makes me tired just looking at her.

Work has been busy but enjoyable. Impending financial crises really make life interesting, if stressful at times. Speaking of work, I'll be up in London next Friday and should finish around lunchtime, so if anyone's around and wants to meet up, bearing in mind you should, touch wood, have the pleasure of my company at Nat's party on Saturday anyway, let me know. If not, I'm sure I can while away some time in a variety of whisky shops.

Right, off for a pint now. See you next week.

I'm alive!

Fri, 19 Sep 2008 09:04:45 GMT

It's been a fairly hellish first week back at work, so apologies for the radio silence (not that anyone probably noticed!). Our two weeks in Jersey was fun, though ruinously expensive. Though that's probably partly my fault for indulging my 8-year-old son's foodie aspirations. Watching him eat lobster or scallops, or demanding to know why the waiter wasn't adding a tot of brandy to his lobster bisque and setting fire to it, provided sufficient humour to compensate.

The canoeing was great fun, though on the last day I did try to kill myself with over confidence. Getting through the breakers on the beach was bad enough, but once past the breakwater, I quickly discovered the waves were so big and so close together that I couldn't turn around, so there I was heading straight out to sea, frequently travelling almost vertically up the face of a wave, while gibbering incoherently. In the end I closed my eyes and prayed and took a risk on one of the smaller waves. I stayed upright (just) and then rode the waves in before landing in an undignified, soaking heap on the beach. Good fun, though.

Also found a little wine shop which had a few bottles of single malt. I noticed they had a 21yo Balvenie Portwood, which is one of my favourites, if someone else is paying. At home, those things are sold for £65-85. This one? £32. They'd obviously mistaken it for the 1993 vintage. Sadly, I'd already stocked up on the ferry, so I only had room for one bottle in my duty free allowance. :( Still, looking forward to opening it when I next have whisky loving company.

All in all, it was a good holiday, but I wasn't a big fan of Jersey itself. In recent years I've not wanted to leave Scotland or Northumbria at the end of the holiday, and I've thought long and hard about how to manage a relocation. This time, I went home without a second look. Jersey is too manicured, too crowded and just a little too smug for my liking. Great beaches though.

PS Five weeks away from the Board now. That's a record for me!

Birthday meme

Thu, 28 Aug 2008 09:30:11 GMT

Events

1757 - On-board HMS Monarch, Admiral Byng is executed by for neglecting his duty
1967 my actual birthday - The body of John F. Kennedy is moved to a permanent burial place at Arlington
1984 - Gerry Adams is seriously wounded in an assassination attempt in Belfast
2005 - Cedar Revolution in Lebanon

Births

Albert Einstein
Michael Caine
Nicolas Anelka :(

Deaths

General George Wade
Karl Marx

Holiday

Pi Day

Agony

Tue, 26 Aug 2008 13:41:17 GMT

It would appear that I am massively unfit and puny. Now I knew I was fairly unfit and puny, but the depths of my decreptitude only became clear as I tried out the new ~~kayak~~ canoe on the Thames. Saturday wasn't too bad. I got used to the thing, paddled around, went for a little trip, felt quite smug because I didn't feel too fucked. But then...

On Sunday I decided to paddle from Pangbourne down to Purley. The very first stroke demonstrated I had not remotely recovered from my maiden voyage. Less than 50 yards downriver and I was in a fair bit of pain. Two hundred yards in and I'd have quite happily sold my children on ebay for some morphine. Paddle, paddle, paddle, pause, whimper... pretend to be observing wildlife 'cause someone's coming. Two sodding miles of that.

Just before I arrived at the end point I thought I'd put in a burst of agonising speed, only, at the very peak of my acceleration, to be passed as if I wasn't moving by an elderly couple who didn't seem to be actually moving their arms. To add insult to injury, they then told a canoeist coming the other direction that it was an easy 30 minute paddle. Like fuck it was, you bastard coffin-dodgers.

Today I can't lift my arms.

Comedy Friday

Fri, 22 Aug 2008 08:27:28 GMT

Inspired by Werthead's Bill Bailey sketches, here's my favourites of the moment:

The dangers of being banned and bored

Mon, 18 Aug 2008 14:42:51 GMT

Why is it that after several months of hyperactivity, procrastination and subsequent long days, sufficient for me to ask Ran to ban me from the board for my own sanity, it suddenly becomes, at that point, so quiet I have nothing whatsover to do?

Nothing to do, I hear you say, how did you kill the time? I'll tell you. I bought a sea kayak, a wetsuit and a life jacket on Amazon. Yeah, that's what I thought.

So, this holiday, It appears that I'm going sea kayaking. If my wife doesn't kill me first, of course.

Food meme

Thu, 14 Aug 2008 13:26:51 GMT

1) Copy this list into your blog or journal, including these instructions.
2) Bold all the items you’ve eaten.
3) Cross out any items that you would never consider eating.

1. Venison
2. Nettle tea (I've had nettle soup, but not nettle tea)
3. Huevos rancheros
4. Steak tartare
5. Crocodile
6. Black pudding
7. Cheese fondue
8. Carp
9. Borscht
10. Baba ghanoush
11. Calamari
12. Pho
~~13. PB&J sandwich~~
14. Aloo gobi
15. Hot dog from a street cart
16. Epoisses
17. Black truffle
18. Fruit wine made from something other than grapes
19. Steamed pork buns
20. Pistachio ice cream
21. Heirloom tomatoes
22. Fresh wild berries
23. Foie gras
24. Rice and beans
~~25. Brawn or head cheese~~
26. Raw Scotch Bonnet pepper
27. Dulce de leche
28. Oysters
29. Baklava
30. Bagna cauda
31. Wasabi peas
32. Clam chowder in a sourdough bowl
33. Salted lassi
34. Sauerkraut
35. Root beer float
36. Cognac with a fat cigar
37. Clotted cream tea
38. Vodka jelly
39. Gumbo
40. Oxtail
41. Curried goat
~~42. Whole insects~~
43. Phaal
44. Goat’s milk
45. Malt whisky from a bottle worth £60/$120 or more
46. Fugu
47. Chicken tikka masala
48. Eel
49. Krispy Kreme original glazed doughnut
50. Sea urchin
51. Prickly pear
52. Umeboshi
53. Abalone
54. Paneer
55. McDonald’s Big Mac Meal (I'm sure I've had this at some point in my past)
56. Spaetzle
57. Dirty gin martini
58. Beer above 8% ABV
59. Poutine
60. Carob chips
61. S’mores
62. Sweetbreads
63. Kaolin
64. Currywurst
65. Durian
66. Frogs’ legs
67. Beignets, churros, elephant ears or funnel cake
68. Haggis
69. Fried plantain
70. Chitterlings or andouillette
71. Gazpacho
72. Caviar and blini
73. Louche absinthe
74. Gjetost, or brunost
~~75. Roadkill~~
76. Baijiu
77. Hostess Fruit Pie
78. Snail
79. Lapsang souchong
80. Bellini
81. Tom yum
82. Eggs Benedict
83. Pocky
84. Tasting menu at a three-Michelin-star restaurant
85. Kobe beef
86. Hare
87. Goulash
88. Flowers
89. Horse
90. Criollo chocolate
91. Spam
92. Soft shell crab
93. Rose harissa
94. Catfish
95. Mole poblano
96. Bagel and lox
97. Lobster Thermidor
98. Polenta
99. Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee
100. Snake

Blood pressure

Thu, 14 Aug 2008 08:55:33 GMT

I think it's time to take a little break from the board. I've said that before, but rarely managed it, However, I really shouldn't be getting quite this angry and upset about matter which are, essentially, totally unimportant.

I'll see how I go.

The horns of a dilemma

Wed, 13 Aug 2008 19:50:08 GMT

So, should I hunt down and kill Shryke, just for pure misanthopic, undeserved arrogance, or Doran Doran, for crimes against historical accuracy, arrogance and xenophobia? Or will pure rage tip me over the top into a heart attack?

Tune in next week...

*I really, really need a holiday.

Morons

Wed, 06 Aug 2008 14:36:18 GMT

I miss n00b in the crosshairs. So, in tribute, here's to the incomprehensible RedRuin, possessor of a philosophy degree from a "respectful university" [sic] and author of such unintentionally ironic gems as "education is unnecessary".

Moron.

Music Monday - nostalgia once again

Mon, 28 Jul 2008 14:37:16 GMT

Music Monday

Mon, 21 Jul 2008 14:26:57 GMT

I can see a pattern forming...

Music Monday

Mon, 07 Jul 2008 11:52:46 GMT

I've probably posted this before, but I refuse to apologise 'cause it's one of my all time favourites and I was singing it loudly and embarrassingly, and also by mistake, as I was walking the dog yesterday!

Hmmmm...

Fri, 25 Apr 2008 08:40:53 GMT

Let us assume, for the sake of argument, that a close friend of mine has been operating with a pirated copy of Microsoft XP. Let us also assume that my friend's son decided to install an update when prompted to do so. Let us assume that not only was this unsurprisingly unsuccessful, but that he can no longer play any of the music tracks on his PC, instead being confronted with a demand for a licence payment of £95.44. Is there any way he can recover his music, 'cause not only is he a cheap criminal, he is massively technophobic and ignorant?

The reason the California Country Profile was so short...

Tue, 22 Apr 2008 13:41:59 GMT

A bit of background needed here. This is from his post-Welsh independence blog, where the Welsh have been liberated by the Cymru Rouge, and features press releases from the "Taffinform news agency". Enjoy.

St George's Day: An Apology

Welsh Police Apologise in Advance For St George's Day Violence

Morgangrad (formerly Cardiff), 22 April: The Prif Forthwyl (Mattock-in-Chief) of the Tangnefeddwyr (Peacemakers - Welsh police), Chwyldro ap Ffistan, has issued a formal apology to the English community of Wales over the state-sanctioned violence against them on St George's Day.

"They's going to be right ffyct over again. Sorry," Ffistan told scuba-diving onlookers at the launch of Gwynedd's first underwater political prison facility just off Bangor.

St George's Day is marked by an official parade in Morgangrad, attended by the ambassadors of Ethiopia, Georgia, Greece, Israel, Montenegro, Portugal, Russia, Serbia, Canada, Catalonia, China and Ancient Anatolia, at which the Welsh artillery fight a human dragon kindly supplied by the Chinese Correctional Facilities Service.

Representatives of the English minority have long asked in a diffident sort of way whether it might be, you know, ok if they were to join in if that's alright with everyone.

Wales's Cymru Rouge government insists that the parade is a diplomatic event, and points out that it arranges an English Folk Day celebration every 23 April which the English community is encouraged to attend.

"They dress our people up as Morris dancers in Jeremy Clarkson masks, then drive us at pitchfork-point through the teeming streets of Bethesda," Dave Eversough-Sorey, chairman of the banned Plaid Sais (English People's Party) commented from his fissure in the Martyr Cerys Matthews Re-Edjucation Camp, Brymbo(formerly the National Coal Board slurry storage dump).

"This follows the three-day local mushroom festival and coincides with National Small Arms Practice Day," he went on, blinking uncertainly in the natural phosphorescence. "They are rarely that pleased to see us."

Cymru Rouge Youth League First-Secretary Dim Clem denied allegations that English Folk Day was little more than a pogrom-building activity for schools in the Ogwen Valley.

"The practical sections of the Welsh Baccalaureate Demographic-Realignment Module are carried out in the Demilitarised Zone (formerly Shrewsbury), especially as we can't get the Katyushas and cages of apes up the road to Bethesda anymore," he explained

In further developments, the official Welsh Commission of Welsh Human Rights has referred Eversough-Sorey's comments to the Director of Clandestine Prosecutions and Ministry of Food on grounds of "cockiness".

Dim Clem, the regional representative of the Rights Commission, Prosecutor's Office and Food Ministry, was adamant that the late [sic] Eversough-Sorey would receive a fair trial prior to his execution, as was also the case with the missing members of last year's Amnesty International monitoring team.

"We didn't eat them!" he concluded firmly.