I'm getting very worried about my dear old Mum. Now I'll admit that she's always had a good line in slightly bizarre birthday and Xmas presents. My favourite being a leather wine carrier, which has, unsurprisingly never seen the light of day. I mean, when the hell would you use it and to what purpose?

But today she has exceeded herself. She bought me a hoody and a pocket knife. WTF? I'm 45!

Format stolen from The Corbie:

Bad News: my computer died.

Good news: I bought another one.

Bad news: Can I get my iTunes music transferred? Can I hell.

Good news: I got a fantastic appraisal.

Bad news: Still no pay rises or bonuses allowed.

Good news: My job is looking safer than for a long time.

Bad news: I started smoking again after 8 years.

Good news: The World Cup is finally getting interesting.

Bad news: I can't post in most of the World Cup threads. Everytime I try and load them the computer hangs. It seems to load up to posts by TheEvilKing.

I have learnt many things from my kids, but the most important is not to laugh at something or nothing, to revel in the awesomeness that is Mr T, or, indeed, to climb trees at every opportunity.

No, it's the efficacy of pouting and sulking over long periods of time until I get my way. Exhibit A:

http://www.barrenger.co.uk/puppies.html

Let me introduce Nutmeg, she's the one tricolour one on the bottom left and walking towards the camera on the middle right. We picked her up on Saturday and she already rules the roost.

As usual, I'll promise to work out the whole posting my own photos ASAP. You know how that ends...

And not in a good way. I've just repeatedly effectively praised the Labour Government of 1945, the most left-wing government this country has ever had by a country mile. And why? 'Cause Scot Ellison makes my brain bleed.

Someone pass me the wire wool and dettol.

I took the kids out shopping today *shudder*. Anyway, we went to buy some new school trousers. The back-to-school section in BHS was right next to the lingerie section. My 8-year-old spent the entire trip channeling Father Ted. If I heard "Daddy, we're lost in England's largest lingerie department" once, I hreard it a thousand times. I wouldn't have minded but he told me I had an "awful dreary voice" when I told him to pull himself together.

My wife did her first shift as a teacher's assistant at our children's junior school today. They decided to start her with the 5-year-olds. "How did it go?" I asked innocently.

"It was horrendous. You can't underestimate the power of the small people," says she.

Ever eager to help, I suggested she gets the other assistants together and teaches them all about the "99" call. She reckons they don't deserve an ice-cream.

This is very hard for me to say, but...

...the thing is I have a racist dog. Don't look at me like that. It's not like we dressed up as Bob Marley and beat her when she was a puppy.

I accused the dog of having some issues a couple of weeks ago as she's recently started barking at the front window and the first time I was in the room when she did so the passer-by was black. So, you keep an eye out to see if it was a coincidence, right? White people, not a problem. Asians, not a problem. Postmen, not a problem. Black men, not women, oh yes, every time.

Do you think it's 'cause she's German?

So, last night I was talking to my 10-year-old son and trying to persuade him not to develop an aversion to snow-related activities just because he spent 7 seven hours stuck in a traffic jam. I explained that it was all the fault of the Council, rather than the snow itself, at which he looked thoughtful for a moment and then said, "You know, Daddy, Reading Council are really just like the Bear Cult in the Mallorean," before wandering off.

I still have no idea what he meant, but I know I'm proud.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you all, in case I'm not online until 2010.

You remember I had an inflatable canoe? Bought it last summer?

It sank yesterday. With me on it. It went down like the Titanic. No slow puncture and time to make port. No time to launch the lifeboats. A sudden split seam and a catastrophic descent to the bottom, no time for the band to even warm up.

I hope to God none of those unsympathetic wankers walking their dogs along the towpath had the presence of mind to video it.

That is all.

PS Stop checking YouTube, you bastards.

It already seems like such a long time ago, but a wonderful time was had on Islay, despite the weather being so bad even the locals commented on it. In fact, rather charmingly, they kept apologising for it! Still, persistent rain and howling wind is such a fantastic excuse to repair to a distillery or pub with several hundred different malts behind the bar.

I may just possibly have overdone the haul I brought back with me, though. I'll throw myself on the mercy of the bank manager if I have to. For the record, I picked up bottles of the following: Bruichladdich 16yo Chateau Latour finish, Bruichladdich 16yo Fino finish, Bruichladdich Resurrection, Bruichladdich Peat, Octomore, Ardbeg Uigedail, Ardbeg Blasda, Bunnahabhain 12yo, Bunnahabhain 18yo, Bunnahabhain 16yo heavily peated Signatory bottling, Kilchoman new spirit, Bowmore 15yo sherry finish and Laphroaig 18yo.

I'll try and provide some photos, once I have censored them all to remove any risk you might be exposed to the sight of me in a wetsuit. *shudder*