You remember I had an inflatable canoe? Bought it last summer?

It sank yesterday. With me on it. It went down like the Titanic. No slow puncture and time to make port. No time to launch the lifeboats. A sudden split seam and a catastrophic descent to the bottom, no time for the band to even warm up.

I hope to God none of those unsympathetic wankers walking their dogs along the towpath had the presence of mind to video it.

That is all.

PS Stop checking YouTube, you bastards.

It already seems like such a long time ago, but a wonderful time was had on Islay, despite the weather being so bad even the locals commented on it. In fact, rather charmingly, they kept apologising for it! Still, persistent rain and howling wind is such a fantastic excuse to repair to a distillery or pub with several hundred different malts behind the bar.

I may just possibly have overdone the haul I brought back with me, though. I'll throw myself on the mercy of the bank manager if I have to. For the record, I picked up bottles of the following: Bruichladdich 16yo Chateau Latour finish, Bruichladdich 16yo Fino finish, Bruichladdich Resurrection, Bruichladdich Peat, Octomore, Ardbeg Uigedail, Ardbeg Blasda, Bunnahabhain 12yo, Bunnahabhain 18yo, Bunnahabhain 16yo heavily peated Signatory bottling, Kilchoman new spirit, Bowmore 15yo sherry finish and Laphroaig 18yo.

I'll try and provide some photos, once I have censored them all to remove any risk you might be exposed to the sight of me in a wetsuit. *shudder*

First off, endoscopies are really quite unpleasant, but nowhere near as bad as even thinking about removing aliens from brains by way of the nostril. Second, I'm OK! It's just a hiatus hernia coupled with a worsening of my food allergies* and high levels of stress, apparently. Which is a huge relief. I have new medicine and we'll see if that can manage the problem. Sadly, chillies, curries and coffee have now been added to the list of life's pleasures I am denied.

Still, it's not what I, and my bloody scare-mongering GP, thought it might be, so I'm as happy as a pig in his natural element.

* It is not gluten intolerance, Godammit. I will not give up Scotch. Bread, yes. Beer, if I have to, but not bloody Scotch.

Some of you may remember the wonderful True Christians Unite site, where one of my friends plied his trade as an octogenarian former military man with unreconstructed views on... well, pretty much everything. You may also have seen me post occasional updates on his latest work-avoiding project, the No Good Boyo blog. This is a rough approximation of his actual self, but is no less amusing and rather more erudite.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, here's his explanation, following a drinking session with a mutual Iranian friend, on the reasons for the failure of the Revolution, plus some rather more random thoughts on the future Socialist Revolution in Britain. Enjoy.

http://alfanalf.blogspot.com/2009/07/not-great-men.html

To my amazement, I have just received an invitation to the US ambassador's 4th July party. I have to wonder: with my reputation? What were they thinking?

This is from a random playlist rather than Shuffle, so I can maintain at least a modicum of self-respect.

( My shame )

Sadly, I'm going to be unable to see you all at the weekend for Anna and Joski's bash. Today is my first day back after a nasty bout of gasteroenteritis, so it's weekend of bland food, no alcohol and bedrest for me. Minus the bedrest, unfortunately, as my father-in-law has been taken in to hospital with with what they now suspect to be  lung cancer and my wife is going to spend the weekend looking after her mother, so I'm babysitting.

Best wishes to them both, and I'll miss catching up with you all.

Empty that whisky shop for me, Xs. Though you might want to try the Vintage House in Soho if you can't face the trek south of the river.

http://www.sohowhisky.com/whisky.select.asp?catid=12

So, did I kill the Conservative MP thread, or did it degenerate further after I left? Shame, there was some amusing stuff on there. Still, if calling RhaegarTar an odious twat is wrong, I don't want to be right.

I've been desperately hoping for a stem cell thread on the board today, so that I could post this piece of awesomeness.

My favourite bit:

"But Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "I did not spend eight years at university just to adopt research methods that do not annoy the holy living shit out of the Jesus freaks. I got into this business to take science and rub it in their stupid, medieval, voodoo faces and I'm not about to give that up now.

"It always puzzled me why they got so annoyed given that the embryo in question had no brain or nervous system and how to the untrained eye it was impossible to tell if was a human or a sea horse. "Nevertheless they would open up their bibles and point to the bits about the sanctity of this and the holiness of that and I'd point to the bit about how it's forbidden to eat cormorants."

Apparently it's been 15 weeks since my last post. Sorry about that. All has been well in the Hereward household, with the exception of the usual Xmas illnesses and a couple of spirited "how is that even possible" conversations when Amex bills have arrived.

I've been keeping up with the canoeing since I started it in the summer. In fact, I think I even prefer being on the river in the dead of winter, not a soul to see, but still plenty of what passes for wildlife in England. Seems to be doing me good, anyway, as I've put on weight in the right places and lost it in the wrong ones, at least I had until Xmas and a nasty bout of flu came along.

The kids thoroughly enjoyed Xmas, of course. I like that they haven't succumbed to materialism yet. Neither of the boys could really think of anything they wanted, other than some Gogo's Crazy Bones, which cost about £1.50, so they got a Scalextric set and Lego Star Wars, so at least their old Dad was entertained! Edith wanted a pink trampoline and has been in perpetual motion ever since. She makes me tired just looking at her.  

Work has been busy but enjoyable. Impending financial crises really make life interesting, if stressful at times. Speaking of work, I'll be up in London next Friday and should finish around lunchtime, so if anyone's around and wants to meet up, bearing in mind you should, touch wood, have the pleasure of my company at Nat's party on Saturday anyway, let me know. If not, I'm sure I can while away some time in a variety of whisky shops.

Right, off for a pint now. See you next week.

It's been a fairly hellish first week back at work, so apologies for the radio silence (not that anyone probably noticed!). Our two weeks in Jersey was fun, though ruinously expensive. Though that's probably partly my fault for indulging my 8-year-old son's foodie aspirations. Watching him eat lobster or scallops, or demanding to know why the waiter wasn't adding a tot of brandy to his lobster bisque and setting fire to it, provided sufficient humour to compensate.

The canoeing was great fun, though on the last day I did try to kill myself with over confidence. Getting through the breakers on the beach was bad enough, but once past the breakwater, I quickly discovered the waves were so big and so close together that I couldn't turn around, so there I was heading straight out to sea, frequently travelling almost vertically up the face of a wave, while gibbering incoherently. In the end I closed my eyes and prayed and took a risk on one of the smaller waves. I stayed upright (just) and then rode the waves in before landing in an undignified, soaking heap on the beach. Good fun, though.

Also found a little wine shop which had a few bottles of single malt. I noticed they had a 21yo Balvenie Portwood, which is one of my favourites, if someone else is paying. At home, those things are sold for £65-85. This one? £32. They'd obviously mistaken it for the 1993 vintage. Sadly, I'd already stocked up on the ferry, so I only had room for one bottle in my duty free allowance. :( Still, looking forward to opening it when I next have whisky loving company.   

All in all, it was a good holiday, but I wasn't a big fan of Jersey itself. In recent years I've not wanted to leave Scotland or Northumbria at the end of the holiday, and I've thought long and hard about how to manage a relocation. This time, I went home without a second look. Jersey is too manicured, too crowded and just a little too smug for my liking. Great beaches though. 

PS Five weeks away from the Board now. That's a record for me!

It would appear that I am massively unfit and puny. Now I knew I was fairly unfit and puny, but the depths of my decreptitude only became clear as I tried out the new kayak canoe on the Thames. Saturday wasn't too bad. I got used to the thing, paddled around, went for a little trip, felt quite smug because I didn't feel too fucked. But then...

On Sunday I decided to paddle from Pangbourne down to Purley. The very first stroke demonstrated I had not remotely recovered from my maiden voyage. Less than 50 yards downriver and I was in a fair bit of pain. Two hundred yards in and I'd have quite happily sold my children on ebay for some morphine. Paddle, paddle, paddle, pause, whimper... pretend to be observing wildlife 'cause someone's coming. Two sodding miles of that. 

Just before I arrived at the end point I thought I'd put in a burst of agonising speed, only, at the very peak of my acceleration, to be passed as if I wasn't moving by an elderly couple who didn't seem to be actually moving their arms. To add insult to injury, they then told a canoeist coming the other direction that it was an easy 30 minute paddle. Like fuck it was, you bastard coffin-dodgers. 

Today I can't lift my arms.

Inspired by Werthead's Bill Bailey sketches, here's my favourites of the moment: 

1) Copy this list into your blog or journal, including these instructions.
2) Bold all the items you’ve eaten.
3) Cross out any items that you would never consider eating.

I think it's time to take a little break from the board. I've said that before, but rarely managed it, However, I really shouldn't be getting quite this angry and upset about matter which are, essentially, totally unimportant.

I'll see how I go.

So, should I hunt down and kill Shryke, just for pure misanthopic, undeserved arrogance, or Doran Doran, for crimes against historical accuracy, arrogance and xenophobia? Or will pure rage tip me over the top into a heart attack?

Tune in next week...

*I really, really need a holiday.

I miss n00b in the crosshairs. So, in tribute, here's to the incomprehensible RedRuin, possessor of a philosophy degree from a "respectful university" [sic] and author of such unintentionally ironic gems as "education is unnecessary".

Moron.